How And Why People Become Narcissists

Narcissism is a term that many people are familiar with. The true definition of the term pertains to a personality disorder but nowadays it is often used to describe selfish people who have done us harm.

In fact, I often come across the term in my therapy sessions, when clients are sharing their grievances about a loved one. On many occasions, they are using the term correctly, but sometimes they are a bit quick with their labelling.

The irony here (and a frustrating aspect of being a therapist) is that a true narcissist would never set foot in a therapist’s office. It is more likely to be the victim of a narcissist that books a session with me than the narcissist themselves.

So I thought it would be a good idea to share with you, since I presume you’ve come across this article because you suspect someone close to you to have a narcissistic personality disorder, what I know about why and how narcissism develops.

My name is Philip Andersson, I am a psychotherapist and the founder of Wherapy; a website that offers online therapy services as well as online self-help courses.

In this article, I will teach you why and how narcissistic traits develop to become a narcissistic personality disorder.

In This Article…

The Difference Between Having Traits And A Personality Disorder

Before we go any further, I think it is important for us to distinguish the difference between having narcissistic traits and having a narcissistic personality disorder.

Everybody has traits of some sort. Being clingy, for example, can be someone’s personality trait but, combined with other traits, it can constitute a diagnosis, such as borderline personality disorder (EIPs).

Not all personality traits are bad either. In fact, many of the personality traits associated with narcissism such as high self-esteem and confidence, are good.

A lot of the time, when I hear someone talking about a person that they suspect is a narcissist, I hear them mentioning traits such as; being manipulative, being entitled or lacking of empathy.

What not many people bear in mind, is that someone can have one or two or even as many as four narcissistic traits without having a narcissistic personality disorder. Often, when we look at people we suspect of being narcissists, we can overlook clues indicating that they are not.

That is not to say that there are no narcissists in the world, of course. There are many.

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When Does Narcissism Become A Disorder?

A Narcissistic Personality Disorder can only be diagnosed by a mental health care professional.

Typically the person in question would have to display at least five of nine personality traits and would have had to have done so for a prolonged period of time.

What is important to remember is the word “disorder”. Disorder means that things are out of order, in other words, things are not working properly.

So if someone has a personality disorder it means that their personality is inhibiting their ability to function, in relationships, at work and in every day life.

So, strictly speaking, a person who has many narcissistic traits but is functioning properly in their relationships, at work and in every day life, would not have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

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The Grayscale Of Narcissism

We typically think of narcissism as something we either have or we don’t have.

But narcissism isn’t binary, it exists on a grayscale.

Someone can be more or less narcissistic but as with any grayscale, there comes a point where if a person exceeds a certain amount of narcissism, then they will be considered an actual narcissist.

What isn’t on a grayscale however, is the way narcissists think and behave. Narcissists are not bad people per se, it is their behavior that’s problematic. And their behavior is developed during childhood.

But it’s not what you think!

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A Narcissist’s Origin Story

So how does narcissism develop to begin with?

The truth is that everyone, you and I included, are born narcissistic.

If you think about it, a newborn has no idea of what human beings are let alone what it is like to be an individual and are therefore unable to think about the wants and needs of other people.

A newborn is only aware of what happens to them.

If their stomach is empty, they scream. If they are hurt, they scream. If they are alone, they scream. If they are tired, they scream.

In other words, they are needs focused. And as long as the parents are fully functional, the newborn’s needs will be met.

As time goes by and the child begins to trust that they will have their needs met, their focus turns to pleasure.

They seek pleasure by putting their feet in their mouth. They seek pleasure by playing with toy blocks. They receive pleasure when someone mimics their facial expressions.

Even though the focus has shifted it is still directed inwards and the pleasure that they experience is considered a part of them and not thought of as an act carried out by someone else. Remember, they still don’t see themselves as an individual and therefore are unable to see others as such.

And when their attempts to seek pleasure are blocked, they act out, showing no regard to the person blocking their attempt. This, again, is because their focus is directed inwards.

They have not yet developed the mental capacity to put themselves in the other person’s shoes. This causes them to base their feelings of the other person solely on whether or not the person meets their needs. Either the person is a saint for meeting them, or a sinner for not doing so and must be punished.

This black-and-white view of other people is something we psychodynamic therapists call the schizoid position. It is a part of all of us and is in fact used as a defense mechanism. If you think back to when your last relationship ended, you were probably thinking that the person was a jerk one minute and missed him or her the next minute.

The reason why we do this is because we want to avoid the pain of experiencing both the good and bad versions of the person at the same time, something called the depressive position. However, it is being in the depressive position that allows us to heal.

The reason why people become narcissists is because they are stuck in the schizoid position. They are unable, perhaps uninterested, in seeing both the good and bad versions of a person at the same time and can only relate to the good and bad versions of people separately. If the person meets their needs, they accept them. If the person doesn’t, then they are considered the worst person in the world and must be punished or manipulated. Narcissism develops when someone has existed in this extreme version of the schizoid position for too long.

The Way Of The Narcissist

So now that we know more about how narcissism develops, let’s take a moment to look at the reason behind some of these narcissistic traits.

Arrogance is perhaps the most well-known of all narcissistic traits. A less-known one and one that might shock you is low self-esteem. These two traits however go hand-in-hand.

A narcissist has, for whatever reason, developed a sense of low self-esteem during childhood and has had no one there to help him or her raise it and has therefore learned to raise it themselves through arrogance. In this case, arrogance is used as a defense mechanism against low self-esteem.

Another well-known trait is manipulation. Narcissistic people are very manipulative. They are so because of how they see people. As I wrote before, true narcissists are stuck in the schizoid position and want to see people as either good or bad in relation to them. If they manipulate someone into doing what they want, the person stays good. If the person does not do what the narcissist wants, then the narcissist will manipulate the facts so that the person can be deemed bad in their mind.

The narcissist uses manipulation as a defense mechanism against having to go into the depressive position.

In this article, I have demonstrated how and why narcissistic traits can develop to become a narcissistic personality disorder.

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