Love is a very powerful emotion. It alone has the ability to cure our depression and anxiety in the blink of an eye – at least on a temporary basis that is!
But it also has the ability to murky the waters of our psyche, to leave us confused about who we are as an individual and this can make us even more depressed once the honeymoon period is over.
In this article I will show you how love can leave us depressed and frustrated even when it all goes according to plan.
A Love Based On False Pretences
Almost all relationships start off on false pretences, whether we intend them to or not.
We find a person we like, we imagine who they are, we adjust ourselves accordingly in order to attract the person, the person falls in love with us, we maintain the false version of ourselves and eventually become resentful towards the person we’ve fallen in love with for keeping us from being our real self. This leads to an inner-conflict (I want to be this type of person vs. I am not this type of person) which sets off our depression.
At the same time, a person finds us, they imagine who we are, they adjust themselves accordingly in order to attract us, we fall in love with them, they maintain the false version of themselves and eventually become resentful towards us for keeping them from being their real self. This leads to an inner-conflict within the person (I want to be this type of person vs. I am not this type of person) which sets of their depression.
As you can tell, the process occurs on both sides of the relationship.
Now, when I write about creating false versions of ourselves, I don’t mean the big and elaborate lies, or false identities that we sometimes see as the basis of a romantic comedy.
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I mean small lies about our likes and dislikes. Lies that are meant to smooth over the cracks in a relationship. Theses lies are well intended and it is completely understandable that we lie in this way, especially at the beginning of the relationship when our fear of abandonment is at its strongest.
But these small lies grow over time and with each and every additional lie the molehill becomes bigger and eventually turns into a mountain too big to ignore.
Relating To The False Version Of Our Partner
The scenario laid out in the passage above is quite common. Most relationships are, to some extent, based on false information. This, in-and-of-itself, is not the issue.
It does become a problem however when the false version of ourselves relates to the false version of our partner.
In other words, when we receive false information from our partner, adjust ourselves accordingly and communicate back our acceptance of that information. When we do this, we create a false version of ourselves that our partner will relate to.
This process may, at first glance, seem harmless enough but if we repeat it hundreds or thousands of times we end up loosing track of who we are and become resentful.
Losing touch with ones true self is the main cause of breakups. The period prior to and after breakup is usually marred with resentment and low self-esteem, which are symptoms of a depression caused by inner-conflict.
So How Do I Avoid This?
I’m not going to lie to you! – It won’t be easy even though the answer might seem quite simplistic.
The truth is, being yourself as much as possible is the only way to find true love. It is also the only way to ensure that your love will last a lifetime.
The biggest hurdle is in fact you! – You have to become comfortable with who you are. This will attract similar people, which will increase the likelihood of a successful relationship.
If you want to learn more about how you to be your real, true self in relationships, take a look at my online course The U In Relationships.
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